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OK, now I want to step back because I can imagine that my points may have enraged certain readers, who are ready to comment with things like, “Why should we have to reward his dumb ass for not lying?
Back in 2008, though, I only understood such a decency intellectually. One afternoon, I was hanging out in the bedroom of my first serious boyfriend while he was in class. We were technically happy (everyone dreams of being technically happy), but he’d broken up with me in a dramatic fashion about six months prior, and once we got back together, I had lingering doubts as to whether we were solid. I felt like I’d just peered into my own soul and finally understood myself. WTF w/ TWO SYNONYMS FOR CUTE WASTING A QUARTER OF MY PRO SLOTS? While my name was nowhere to be found, I never doubted the list was about me. And for the record, he meant board games, not like ~waiting to to text back.~ Trust me. I put the piece of paper back and returned to my homework, shaken. We sat down and I confessed I’d “stumbled” across the note while searching for a pen — an all-but-blatant lie — and was perplexed by it.
This, of course, is how looking for a pen in his desk animorphed me into a raccoon sniffing around a dumpster. When he got back later that day, I knew that’d I’d cave and tell him. Oddly enough, my concern was not for the totally batshit contents of the list. My memory of the conversation is a little blurry (it was a decade ago!
When I did take the time to look thru the candidates the first one I felt comfortable enough to exchange numbers, during our first convo within a few minutes he asked me "did you get my pictures?
" I asked what pics and he said I just sent you some.
In hindsight, the list’s existence doesn’t shock me (I had my own versions in the form of nauseatingly long Word documents), but the of it are so telling. That my best qualities in his eyes — cute, fun, nice, hot — were nowhere close to the ones I valued in myself and would prefer to be loved for — my mind, personality, literally anything else — should have been a smack upside the head for me.